A man who grew up in a council house in 1970s Britain describes a childhood marked by fear, family breakdown, and substance abuse, which he now understands as survival adaptations rather than signs of brokenness.
In his early years, the author felt different from others. He was shy, but also felt overwhelmed around people, constantly on edge. At age six, his parents divorced. His mother left with his sister. The author stayed with his father, who told him that if he went with his mother, he would kill himself. The child believed him and carried the weight of that belief.
His father, hurt by the breakup, drank heavily and was often unemployed. The author became the target of his father’s anger. He was hit if he was late coming home from school. This became a pattern. The author learned to live in a state of constant alertness, always trying to avoid doing something wrong.
The author says his father was not a bad man, but was unable to provide warmth or safety. He was not allowed to sit in the living room. Most days, he stayed in his bedroom, looking out the window and imagining a different life. He had friends but was often left behind because he could not go out as often as they did. He wet the bed until he was about twelve years old, carrying shame without understanding why.
At age eleven or twelve, he found his first escape: butane gas. He stole lighter refills from a local shop, spraying the gas into his jumper and inhaling it. This was followed by glue, petrol, and then cannabis and amphetamines by age fourteen. He says it was not about getting high, but about not feeling what he was feeling. This became his life for the next twenty-five years.
Substances became a daily habit. He lost friends and direction. However, he also found a sense of belonging with other users. In that chaos, he felt understood with no expectations. This made it hard to leave.
In the late 1980s, ecstasy arrived. It gave him a feeling of love, connection, and openness. He felt close to people for the first time. But he later recognized it was a chemically created version of what he had been searching for. He stayed in that world for years.
Change came slowly. He began to see that his life was not the only option. Stepping away was one of the hardest things he has done. He had to face the fear, loneliness, and the fact that he had hurt people. He now carries understanding rather than regret.
He now sees that he was not broken, but had adapted to an unsafe environment. His anxiety and need to escape made sense through that lens. This realization changed everything. At age fifty-six, he lives on the other side of the world with a family. He has built something meaningful from his past experiences and feels a sense of safety within himself.
He acknowledges that hard days still come and old patterns try to return. But he now understands where they come from, which changes his response. He believes that what looks like brokenness is often adaptation. The things people judge themselves for, like anxiety and coping mechanisms, often began as ways to survive. He says survival is not something to be ashamed of, but something to be understood.
