According to Alex Bachert, people-pleasing may be more than a personality trait; it could be a response to serious trauma. Bachert describes growing up in a home, school, and church that placed high value on good behavior, self-discipline, and corporal punishment. She was a model child, quiet and pleasant, never sent to the principal’s office. Complaining and “ugly” emotions were not allowed. By the time she was school-aged, any early rambunctiousness had been suppressed. She felt unsafe in her body at the slightest hint that someone was upset with her.
This pattern continued into adulthood. Bachert found herself in jobs with supervisors who frequently lost their temper. She worked extra hard to avoid trouble. When colleagues brushed off the manager’s anger, Bachert felt triggered for hours afterward. She learned that some people are conditioned from a young age to develop a deep fear of losing belonging and safety in relationships. To cope, they develop survival strategies, including people-pleasing.
Bachert explains that people-pleasers often feel beholden to others, putting their own needs last and feeling obligated to manage everyone else’s happiness. They are hypersensitive to judgment, shame, and rejection. They overextend themselves to be helpful and feel anxiety and guilt when standing up for themselves. Without addressing these patterns, resentment, frustration, and anger can build, compromising emotional and physical well-being.
Bachert states that we are not responsible for juggling other people’s emotions, we do not owe anyone comfort, and we are not a receptacle for others’ emotional venting, unhealed trauma, or misdirected anger. Our time, energy, and well-being are not up for negotiation. We cannot control how others show up, but we can change our patterns of powerlessness.
The article describes people-pleasing as a learned pattern that is triggered unconsciously. It is a survival strategy, a set of automated behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. Simply “trying harder” does not work because the unconscious mind turns on these patterns faster than willpower can override them. Ninety percent of how we show up in life is unconscious and based on past experiences. The brain automates decisions and behaviors to save energy. Bachert compares bad habits to brain ruts: every time a people-pleasing habit appears, the brain rides down the same neural pathway, deepening the grooves.
The well-worn path feels safer than unfamiliar terrain, which represents the life of taking up space, putting needs first, and feeling good. To change, Bachert suggests planting new seeds in the unconscious mind. Visualization, while in a deeply relaxed state, can help build new neural pathways. The brain does not distinguish well between real and imagined experiences, which is why people get emotionally pulled into stories. By vividly imagining a scenario where people-pleasing is no longer an issue, individuals can influence themselves to show up differently.
To get started, Bachert recommends being in a relaxed state before visualizing. A simple breathing exercise combined with acupressure on the wrist can help. Once calm, one should be specific: what does it look like to live life on your own terms? The brain works in specific ways, so detailed imagery is important. This practice, done with repetition, can help people-pleasers break free from old patterns and reclaim their lives without giving up their empathy and generosity.
