According to Beverly Engel, an author and therapist, emotional abuse is “any pattern of behavior that undermines a person’s sense of self-worth and reality.” In a personal account, one individual described how this process unfolds slowly over time.
At first, the changes were small. The person stopped wearing outfits others liked because a partner said they did not look good. Friendships faded because they made the partner uncomfortable. The individual laughed less at things the partner did not find funny. They would check their own facial expression to ensure it pleased the partner.
Over time, the changes became more significant. The individual stopped trusting their own judgment. The partner would say they were too sensitive, or deny things they had said or done. This happened so often that the individual began to believe the partner’s version of reality. They second-guessed every decision and asked for permission for things they used to do naturally. They began editing their own thoughts before speaking.
The individual learned to read their partner’s moods, needs, and expectations with great precision. They stopped asking themselves what they needed or wanted. Instead, they focused on what the partner wanted to hear and what would keep things calm. Their internal compass was replaced by a need for the partner’s approval.
Everything in the relationship was structured around the partner’s comfort and convenience. Activities, outings, and home projects all reflected the partner’s preferences. After years of this, the individual looked in the mirror and realized they did not know who they were anymore. They could not remember the last time they had done things they loved, and they were unsure of their own opinions. The person they had been before the relationship felt gone.
The account states that toxic relationships take a person’s identity slowly, one small surrender at a time. The individual noted that they lost not just themselves, but the ability to find themselves. Their intuition and inner voice had been silenced.
Through research, the individual came to understand their own patterns. They had to accept that their partner’s behaviors were not isolated incidents but recurring patterns. The partner’s outbursts were terrifying, but because the individual never saw the partner react that way with others, they believed something was wrong with them. They thought they were provoking the mistreatment.
When the individual tried to speak up, they were met with rage. To end the anger, they would apologize or smile, overriding their own reactions. Over time, being told repeatedly that their perception was wrong made them stop trusting their own eyes. They said yes to things they did not have the energy for because saying no felt dangerous. They felt exhausted from the constant mental load of second-guessing themselves.
The individual explained that a person does not wake up one day and realize they have lost their ability to trust themselves. It happens gradually. The intuition is not gone, but buried under invalidation and exhaustion.
One reason people stay in such relationships is the sunk cost fallacy, an economic term meaning the more a person has invested in something, the harder it is to walk away. The individual had invested time, energy, love, and hope. They had defended the relationship and made excuses for the partner. When they tried to leave, the partner would make desperate pleas and promises to change. The partner would alternate between sorrow and anger, making the individual feel guilty. The individual stayed longer, hoping things would improve if they tried harder or became smaller.
The account emphasizes that trauma bonds do not exploit a person’s weaknesses. They exploit qualities like the capacity to love deeply, the ability to see potential in someone, and the willingness to believe words that do not match actions. These are not weaknesses, but the best parts of a person used against them. This is why intelligent and successful people can get caught in these patterns. They believed in someone’s potential more than they trusted their own discomfort.
